Because I’m not sure… about so much that I can’t even fill in the blank.

this is the end of me not trusting entirely in God.

this is the end of me living for myself and worrying about meeting my own needs only.

this is the end.

because if its not – i won’t make it, i won’t be okay, and i’ll never be who i know he wants me to be.

because if its not – i won’t be living a life worthy of the gospel.

because if its not – i won’t be abiding in him and he in me – and i will be able to do nothing. like i have been.

i’m so sick. infected with where i live. let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness.

I thought I had followed you into something so wild and beautiful….

Only to watch it all fall apart in an instant.

Okay, I know you’re here. You’re RIGHT HERE. But I DON’T GET YOU. I DON’T GET WHAT YOU DID OR WHY.

I don’t even know what to do anymore about anything. I don’t even really want to talk to you.

But at the same time I am longing for you so desperately. Because I know you love me. I can feel you breaking my heart right now.  Trying to work at this hardened clay to make it malleable again.

God help me go to you and give it all to you and trust you. I don’t know that I want to. I don’t know really how and what its going to look like here in this seemingly god-forsaken life I find myself in.

I really want to want you more than anything else.  Do whatever it takes Lord. I know, again, what that may mean but really… I don’t know what the heck else I have to lose at this point. Everything I’ve known and loved is gone already.

And how he is beyond worthy all of me.

And how easily distracted I am. How much I need his abundant grace every single day.

O to know him more – it is worth giving up everything … EVERYTHING … in my life for.

He is SO my only hope, my only strength.

The issue is my heart. Do I trust God? Am I really okay with just being where I am – 100% – and doing the best with what I have been given for now? Am I using my time and resources for myself or to glorify God?  These are all very challenging questions. Am I just “ok” with where I am? Just kind of putting up with it until I get to be where I really want to be? But if that is my thought then when I get there I will probably be thinking the same thing, only about some other situation or circumstance. So really I need to be more than just “ok” with where I am. I need to be grateful and joyful in where I am. That is what is going to glorify God. That is what is going to say that I am really satisfied in him and make him look like he is more than enough.

Article I’m referencing, from Boundless of course: The Greener Grass Conspiracy.

Anyway.

And then God knew exactly what I needed when I needed it and blessed me with one of the best 6 days of my life around amazing people and being part of amazing things.

Blessed beyond words. More thoughts on this later.

Some my own, some of people around me.

I’m not sure where I will end up in a few weeks, a month, a year. As a matter of fact I have absolutely no idea.

I didn’t know that I would ever be here. It’s the most barren land I’ve ever wandered through.

As I described it to someone before, it is like I am wandering through the desert and just as I am about to collapse God gives me just a drop of water to keep me going until I need another. He only barely gets me through each hour, each day. But oh, how I’m learning to trust him and love him.

Alone, alone but he is with me.

I pray for community, I need it desperately, but I trust him to sustain me in the meantime. Until the relationships I have develop into those I long for, the deep, honest, Christ-exalting relationships that we long for, need, yet seem to run from because they are difficult, they are frightening and they are painful. But they are so beautiful and so fruitful.

So in the midst of everything thats happening, all the good, bad and indifferent, my Father is with me, revealing himself and his love to me in ways I never dreamed or imagined. Being his child is worth all the pain, if I may only be found in him.

Difficult in some respects, but God just poured out blessings today.

I had some of the best conversations I’ve had in awhile and was able to connect to people in ways that I have needed so greatly as of late.

God once again proves Himself so faithful. Always giving us what we need when we need it. I feel so blessed.

I also listened to some sermons by Matt Chandler which were so much what I needed to hear. He’s such a great preacher because he is so real and so honest. There was one in particular that just hit home so much. It just makes me feel not so alone. There are other people out there thinking through and dealing with similar things.

The choices I am making now do matter. They are going to shape who I am becoming. I hope that I am on my way to living 100% for him, and losing myself in serving others. I hope that I will live my seemingly insignificant life in a way that significantly impacts the world because I’m relying on his strength and not my own.

I also had some great encouragement today that I desperately needed. People to tell me they really do love me, and that I really am moving in the right direction and just reminding me of all I know to be true about God. So I just want to say PRAISE GOD! His love and grace are amazing. He is beyond worthy of all our praise, our hope, our entire lives and all that we are.

One of my favorite novels. And a great movie.

Oh, to be loved like that.

If only real life were like Jane Austen’s novels, and every story had a ridiculously happy ending.

Yes, I am a female. And yes I dream for real, devoted love. And no, I’m not ashamed of that.

I am so alone.

I had become part of this beautiful community of believers, where we were all at different places, being able to challenge and love each other. I also had people I was pouring into, out of the overflow of my own community.

And in a single hour I lost half of it, and over the next few weeks I lost the other half. And with work.. well, it’s just all washed away.

It’s not as though there aren’t people who love me. There are. Everyone is just busy with life and everything, as am I.

I just realized tonight how alone I really am. I don’t know who I would even call my best friend right now. I feel quite unknown. There are two people who I would say know me better than anyone else, but one has chosen to walk away and the other is spending their time and effort elsewhere.

My situation is not new, nor newsworthy. It is the same thing that almost everyone goes through at one point or another.

I guess the deeper thought than the fact that I am so alone is that I am alone but not in despair. I am not depressed nor am I on the verge of depression, which surprises me to the core.

I cried, but then I just prayed and sang.

I have never clung so desperately to God, yet I don’t feel anxious.

I have never been so lost, yet I still have peace.

Tonight I asked God, “are you even really there?” but I didn’t really question the answer.

I am so alone – but I’m not. I feel like I’m finally getting all the stuff in the Psalms about thirsting for God, being utterly forsaken but still finding hope and peace in God.

Tonight Trevor asked us to close our eyes and think someone or something that we were depending on who/that absolutely failed us.

Not hard. I wouldn’t actually even have had to close my eyes.

Then he told us to picture God showing up and working in it.

Not hard either. He’s everywhere doing everything. He’s God.

And He’s here with me. He is the hope that I must hold fast to if I am to inherit His promises. Promises of that which is unseen, which is why its called faith. And the righteous shall live by faith.

I’m tired… exhausted. And my thoughts are jumbled, but I hope this made some kind of sense.

Never so alone, but never so ready to live my life all out for the God who is beyond worthy of my life – even when everyone and everything else fails me. Even when all is taken away, He is still worthy.

Think of what He suffered for our sakes, at the hands of sinners. And we have not even had to shed blood in our fight against sin.

Don’t grow weary of his discipline for his disciplines those he loves and is treating you as sons.

It is painful, not pleasant, but it will bring forth fruit. He does it ’cause He loves us and wants us to share in His holiness.

So I will submit. No matter how lonely it gets. No matter how many tears I have to cry. Because You are worthy. And because where else have I to go? You alone have the words of eternal life. I am Yours.